I went through my private journal these past year... Been reflecting bits by bits important events since early this year and if there are still goals this year that I haven't achieved, what mistakes I could learn from, how can I improve myself in the future and what not.
As I went through the entries, I noticed at some point in my baby steps in medical field, I went from "Have I done justice to my patients?" to "Why do I even bother?". It was during the time I had many difficulties & unvoiced frustration during my ICU rotation. It was also the time when I decided I'm through with internal medicine, and so I said bye-bye to my dream of being a geriatrician and moved on to something else.
And then there's that short trip to Kundasang, Sabah. I call these medical relief aid as "refresher meet-up" because it is just as the name implied- it refreshes and rejuvenate my initial intentions of jumping into this profession, sort of like a knock on the door. And it's also usually the time where we get the chance to meet our ex-teachers and seniors who would usually ask our updates and remind us with their words of wisdom.
I still have that hesitancy somewhere at the back of my mind; and it usually comes out when I'm facing difficult people.
But at least, the question is no longer "Why do I even bother?"
Now it hovers between "Have I done justice?" and "What else can we offer?"
Still new in this field, still a longwinding road ahead... I wonder what will be the questions in the future?
知らない時代でそっと 誰かが 背中を支えてる
The past that led to today is connected by an endless road
People in times and places that you don't know have been gently supporting you
Where will this road go? Even if you ask the wind
There's no answer there
僕らがつないでいく (Bokura ga Tsunaideiku)